God, or is it god?

I feel like this is going to be a post that will last me several posts to clearly show some bit of what is running through my mind. You asked about religion and as Jana knows this is a truly troubling subject for me. So I warn you that while I do not have much time tonight as I still have to pack for my work trip I will revisit on many of occasions. I was raised by my family with out having much religion in my life. Both set of my grandparents were religious so one wonders how I grew up exposed to almost no religion. Well the answer is that my mom's parents were over baring so her way to get control of her own life was to stop believing in God. My dad was never devoted to his religion so in order to make life more simple he too just walked away from religion. They had not had a long life in the religious world seeing as they were married at 19 and starting their own religious free life so it was not a super hard adjustment for them to make. I wonder if they ever realize just how hard they made my life by not involving any aspect of religion. I have found that because I never was exposed to believing in things that cannot be seen and touched I have not developed that ability. I have a super hard time with ideas such as love and trust because I was never asked to simply believe in something because it was there. I was never a part of a group that all came together under the common idea of some unknown. I find that I am now always searching for something to grasp to. I want so badly to have a religion. I want there to be something that when all else is dark I can hold on to I can assign light to and have it's light shine back onto me. I dated a kid in high school and he was my first real exposure to religion. I was trying so hard for him to believe in religion. He wanted for me to be able to experience. However, I think in the end that it became a problem for us because as much as he wanted me to fully accept what he and his church had to offer I was always full of questions that could never be answered to my satisfaction. I found though that as my life went on I needed something. My friends and family were not enough because I never truly knew that I had their love and could hold their trust because as I said even to this day these are both concepts that I have a lot of problems with. I found that in times that people were turning to religion to help them through I was turning to nature. Now I do not want to claim that I am a pagan or that I worship nature, however, nature became the one thing that I could trust when there was nothing else around. Nature was what I could hold on to to keep my steady the thing that I went to for comfort. In times that my friend would pray for strength I would run into the rive and let it wash away my worried, I would hike down the deer paths until I found the moss covered beds that I could sit on until my head stopped spinning with the questions for which there were no answers. Nature never gave me hope the way religion offers to people but it did offer me a way to calm myself. I really wish I did have some sort of religion to fall back upon. I wish that I had something to believe in that went beyond myself and my trees. I often feel so alone in this world that I just want it all to end. I feel like at the end of the day when everyone has been stripped of everything I am singled out because I don't even get to hold on to that true hope that is the belief in something more. Even people who don't practice their religion get to hold on to their hope because they were taught to believe in something more. I was taught that there is nothing more than what I can do. I was taught that I am the end product and that if I cannot do it I have let the world down. That because I was raised "better" than to believe in something fake it is some how my job to save the world and everyone I come in contact with. I have been taught that I am all there is and all I want is to feel some love hovering over me. Some offering of light to help guide my way through this life and on to what I need to do next. I try everyday to open my heart up to both the people around me and to things that might exist outside of my realm of knowledge. Unfourtanitly after years my heart has truly hardened over and as soon as I get the slightest gleam of anything I self destruct. Jana has seen these selfdestructions. They are never a good thing and often can only be overcome with a bottle of rum (although i have a new favorite drink, vanilla vodka and rootbeer!). So religion, wow I am not sure that any of what I have said will make any sense and I guess that that can be attributed to the fact religion makes no sense to me. It is something that was lost on me along time ago. To me religion is this magic healing power that can give people hope when all hope should be lost. I have had to replace that hope with a stubbornness that goes well beyond what any person should be able to sustain. I have to hold on to this stubborn idea that things will eventually work out in the best because I can outlast fait. I don't get ot have hope that there is some greater plan and that there is someone out there that when my soul needs some help or protection will stand up for me. All I have is the idea that my soul can outlast any tortures that are put before it and push past all hardships that may occur. I am super jealous of religious people, and I get downright mad at those who do not value what they have. I understand that sometimes your church may not be going in the direction you want but I feel they should cherish that fact that they even have the ability to hold thoes concepts in their minds. Yes turn away from your church if it lets you down but don't claim that you had your God or the idea brought by your true core beliefs. Sometimes you must turn away from your established religion to uphold your core beliefs but in the long run you still have your beliefs and those will be the most important things you will ever have. They are the only things that will truly stand with you through the good times and the bad. I know it probably seems simple that if I crave it so much I could develop some sort of belief system if not a solid belief in religion but I cannot. I is too engraned in my very being to challenge anything that for any amount of time seems to be to anything but touchable.
alright this next bit is mostly so I remember to read it. A friend just walked through and I asked them if they were religious and they said sort of and told me I should look into romans chapter 13 verses 1-7 and that it could create even more questions in established religion. Alright anyway. I really ahve to get going. I have a lot to get done before 7am tomorrow morning. I hope you all do well until I next hear from you and I promise I will open my brain and share with you more of my thoughts on religion and God and the other fine questions you have posted as soon as I have some sleep in me, and maybe some nice hot tea. as for now I am off. Later! Amanda